Top Ten People or Things That Annoyed Me In 2008.

I am going to try and make this a yearly tradition. Last year, I ranted about people or things that annoyed me. And, wouldn't you know it, I found ten things this year to rant about. What can I say, I'm a ranty guy.

These are just my opinions. I'm sure that I will rant about some things that people really love. You can love these things. That is your right. I really don't mean to offend anybody. But I just feel very strongly about the things on this list. So, no death threats or insults.

 

Without any further ado, here we go:

 

 

10. "Parody" films: There has been a recent trend of parody films sucking. It started last year with Epic Movie and continued this year with Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie, and An American Carol.

The first two are from the same team that brought you Date Movie and Epic Movie, so they should be considered public enemy number one. These films are basically a collection of lame gags strung together with a flimsy plot  Strangely enough, up until Disaster Movie, these films always open at number one at the box office. Hopefully, this trend is going to end.

An American Carol was done by one of the Zucker Brothers, who brought us one of the best parody movies of all time, Airplane. It was his attempt to gain equal time for the conservative right by poking fun at the liberals. Unfortunately, he forgot to make it funny. This is a major disappointment.

An American Carol also tanked at the box office, which its creators probably thought was because of the unfair liberal bias in Hollywood. But really because it was a hamfisted hatchet job first, entertaining parody second.

Parodies are not easy to do. They require wit, intelligence and just the right touch. You can't just throw a bunch of scenes together and make it work. Which is what these people are finding out.

 

9. Santonio Holmes: I had the opportunity to watch at least some part of all the Steelers games this season (most from the comfort of my own home, as a lot of them were on national TV).

This was supposed to be the year Santonio Holmes was supposed to break out. The number one draft pick was entering his third season, the season when the good receivers are supposed to blossom.

Unfortunately, he did anything but blossom. The lasting impression I got of Holmes is one of dropped passes, routes run wrong, and stupid mistakes.

It got to such a point that when he actually did make a catch, my wife and I would say, "Wow, he finally caught one!" Like he won the lottery or something.

The Steelers have a history of having bad luck with high-round draft picks. Hines Ward was taken, I believe, in the 3rd round and has been nothing but clutch.  Holmes seems to be like fellow first-rounder Plaxico Burress and not living up to his potential while on the Steelers. Maybe Holmes will have better luck on his next team. And maybe the Steelers will just wait until the 3rd round to draft their WRs in the future.

 

 

8. Grant Morrison: I like a lot of what Grant Morrison does. I think he's a great writer. But he really isn't a great mainstream "event" writer.

I'll start with a caveat--All-Star Superman was a great book, filled with big moments and was one of the best interpretations of Superman ever.

But he seems to have been given carte blanche on that title, which is probably why it was so good. But when he has to work in the constraints of someone elses sandbox, he withers away.

"Batman R.I.P.," which was supposed to be the earth-shaking event which would turn the Bat-family of books on its ear, but instead was a chaotic mess. It was rumored that he was asked to rewrite the ending because DC wasn't satisfied with it. In my opinion, they should have stepped in much sooner.

Final Crisis was supposed to be the big event of the summer, the bookend to DC's "Crisis" trilogy. After bitching about not getting exclusive use of the New Gods (which, granted, he has a point) he gave us a rehash of an arc from his JLA run. For a big. blockbuster event with many other crossovers DC expects us to buy, we deserved more. And he was rumored to do rewrites on this one as well.

Morrison should stay to Vertigo where he can do what he wants and doesn't have to worry about continuity. He's a much better writer that way.

 

 

7. Kristen Wiig: I know I am in the minority here. Almost every magazine in the world has anointed her as the funniest woman since Lucille Ball. But I really don't find her funny at all.

Of course, one of her stock and trades is being an "annoyance comedienne" (I.E. the more annoying she is, the funnier she is supposed to be). But I didn't like that style when Borat did it, and she doesn't do it any better.

After that, she is essentially just a two-trick pony. She does that staccato monotone thing, like a surfer girl Rain Man. And she makes stupid faces and quirky body movements. Neither one impresses me.

Don't misunderstand me. It's not because she's a woman. I've seen Amy Poehler do improv and it was brilliant. And I find something I like in everything Tina Fey does. They are ten times the comediennes Wiig is, but get less press (well, maybe not Fey. She seems not to lack press ar all).

What it boils down to is that I don't find her funny. And the fact that it seems like everyone else does gets on my last nerve. In my eyes, she isn't the second coming of Gilda Radner, she's the new Melanie Hutsall.

 

 

 6. Thomas Beatie: Okay, let me just state that I really have nothing against transgender people in general. If you believe you should be a sex other than the one you're born with, you have the means to change it, and no one gets hurt in the process, I say more power to you.

But if you think you should be a man yet were born a woman, and you decide to change it, then you should leave every thing that makes you a woman behind and become a man. Thomas Beatie supposedly want to be a man. But she held on to her female reproductive organs. This causes doubt as per her motivation.

And, yes, I refered to Beatie exclusively as a female, because that's what she is-- a woman. Because if she truly wanted to be a man, believes she was a man, believes she should be a man, then she'd give up everything that made her a woman, a big part of which is the ability to bear children.

But know, she kept that. And when her wife found she couldn't have kids, Beatie decided to step in an help out and became the first pregnant "man.".

Naturally, this gained national attention through almost every news outlet, including ones that really shouldn't be covering it at all, because it is a curiousity. She gave birth and if that was the end of it, it wouldn't be as annoying.

But she is pregnant again. And she makes the announcement to Barbara Walters. Because, well, I guess all parties involved think its news or something.  And we face the possibility that this will become a reoccuring theme.

This makes me think Beatie is using the supposed freakish nature of her pregnancies as a means of self-promotion. I'm sure there will be other talk show appearances, maybe another book, and perhaps a TV deal. And that doesn't sit well with me. Having a child is a sacred, special thing. To exploit it the way Beatie has seems unctious at best. 

But, lets face it, Thomas Beatie is not a pregnant man. She is a woman who looks like a man who has gotten pregnant. This should have only been a mild curiousity the first time. The second time shouldn't have gotten any attention at all. But Beatie appears to be turing her situation it a gigantic circus sideshow just for want of attention. Yes, she should be blamed for it, but if we weren't so attracted by the whole car-wreck aspect of Beatie's sideshow, she'd slip into the obscurity she deserves..

 

 

5. Twilight: It seems the media and book publishers were really too desperate to fill the void left by Harry Potter. They were frantic to find a franchise that would appeal to both kids and adults. It appears that it has got what it wanted with Twilight. I heard absolutely nothing about the books while JK Rowling was still putting out novels. But now, it's the biggest thing ever.

And, granted, I am not its target audience, but Twilight seems to be the lamest thing ever as well.

First off, I believe vampires only should come out at night. Period. It was good enough for my parents. It was good enough for their parents. It's good enough for me.

However, the previews for the movie have the vampires wandering around in broad daylight. I understand the reason for this. After all, it is hard to have a teenage romance when the teens in question should be sleeping. But it kind of violates Bill's first law of vampires.

Other than that, based on what I've heard and read, it looks like it is goth-lite. It's goth for people who don't want to go full goth. There are pale people, a lot of shoegazing, a bit of romance, but all done in earth tones so as not to scare the squares.

And, logically, a romance between a vampire can only end two ways. Either she grows old while he stays the same age (unless they changed that vampire rule too) until her inevitable death does them part. That would be tragic and bittersweet and not at all happy, but would probably be the best option. Or he turns her into a vampire and they live forever and ever together in a perfect love, which, if that is the end result, the longer she is not a vampire the more annoying it will be (apparently, this the way Meyer went, and it happened in the 4th installment, which is another reason why the whole thing is annoying).

But, hey, I am not its target audience. It sold incredibly well and millions of people love it (to the point of obsession). Pehaps there is something I am missing, some subtle nuance, by not reading it. But I'll never know because I just have no desire to get into it.

 

 4. Brett Favre: I've already covered my annoyance with Brett earlier in this blog. Yes, the whole ordeal over the summer really seemed to show Brett's true colors. People think he was justified in throwing the tantrum and can't understand why the Packers would not just ignore the public support they put behind Aaron Rogers and take Brett back with open arms.

But Brett became a whiny baby, an indecisive wuss and a petulant child in my eyes. Heck, he is still one of the best QB's in NFL history, and is destined for the Hall of Fame, but he isn't as much of a hero as he once was to me.

But now, with a whole season of football behind us, what has Brett done for the Jets. You could say Brett made them in to a playoff contender (although, not one who could win it when it was all on the line). But, outside of last year's abberation, the Jets were in the playoffs several times in the past few years. And the man Brett replaced, Chad Pennington, led the 1-15 of last year Miami Dolphins to a division championship and a playoff spot--with arguably less talent than Brett has. Who's to say Pennington could do the same if he stayed with the Jets.

What Brett did bring to the Jets was the whole "will he retire" rigamarole that plagued his last few years with the Pack. It's started again, and it's sure to get a lot of media attention. But if he does decide to re-retire, keep a locker open for him just in case. Or have a trade waiting in the wings in case he wants to come back, only not with you.

 

3. Sarah Palin: You know, I lived through the era of Dan Quayle, and I thought that was about as low as Republican Vice-Presidential Candidates could go. Then along came Sarah.

I try to figure out the reason why McCain added her to the ticket. I hope it wasn't just because she had girl parts and Hilary Clinton had girl parts and they hoped all the people who supported Hilary because of her girl parts would switch to McCain because of Palin's girl parts.

Part of the reason probably because she was folksy. She was supposed to embody that "person you'd like to have a beer with" quality that got Dubya inexplicably elected twice. But instead of folksy she came across as a rube who you wouldn't a heartbeat away from the presidency.

She couldn't interview her way out of a paper bag. She didn't appear to be knowledgeable about foreign affairs or practically anything presidential. She used her office as governor to punish her ex-brother-in-law. And, worse of all, she winked at us during a nationally televised debate. Winked. At. Us. Let's face it. I was probably never going to vote for McCain/Palin. But if I was on the fence, that wink would have sent me permanently over to Obama's side.  

People say Palin is the future of the Republican party. If she is, well, get used to a long reign with the Democrats in power.

 

 

2. This "Chapter" of Heroes:  The Heroes season so far is like fast food TV. You consume it, and at the time you think it is good and satisfying. But when you think about it later, you wonder why you bothered taking it at all.

This was supposed to be the bounce back year, the one where they fixed all the problems that plagued the series before the writer's strike. But not only didn't they fix the problems, they developed a whole new batch of them.

It seemed fairly obvious that they had no long range plan for the series in general or this season in particular. Questions were raised that were never explained. Heroes turned to villains with little or no known motivations. Characters acted like idiots just so they could advance the plot. Other characters when through season long developments which were interesting and could have been explored further but instead they were abruptly returned to the status quo. Powers of the cast were only what the writers need that week, and changed as per their whim.

There was a major creative shake-up, the effects of which will be seen when the series returns in February. I hope upon hope that the series will be able to right itself because of these changes. Because if it doesn't, it might not remain on the air that long.  

 

1. The Hills: I think this show is proof that God exists, Because if Satan exists, then God has to exist. And there has to be a lot of blood oaths to the dark lord for this series to remain on the air and have the popularity it has.

If this was just a reality program about a bunch of vapid bints complaining that their almost perfect lives are not completely perfect wholly through their own asinine actions, it would be pretty unbearable. Because, you know, I always find people who could afford to sell me a thousand times over whining because the a-hole they are dating is, well, an a-hole so gosh darn interesting.

But what makes it extra annoying that this is a unreal reality show. The "real life" events that make up the show are obviously shot and shot over again until they get it just right. That heart to heart talk you see probably took hours to shoot because the lighting was off or there was too much background sound.

This makes the fake and phony lives of these people even more fake and phony. The result is a poorly acted melodrama masquerading as real life. I simply can't understand what the appeal is. I just hope they reach teh ceiling fast. These yahoos 15 minutes of fame has long expired.