3 posts tagged “spam”

I have a Friendster account I never use. Back when social networking was new, yes, I was active on Friendster. Then I moved to MySpace and then to Facebook. But, now I hardly ever look at Friendster (or MySpace for that matter).

But the one charming aspect of Friendster is that their spam stoppers aren't as good MySpace or Facebook. So, in other words I get the occasional spam message from porn sites trying to trick me into visiting them.

And by charming I mean like a four-year old tying to pick up a barbell. I know that it will never work, but that doesn't stop them from trying.

Over the last few weeks, I got four messages from these spammers. Since I haven't posted here in a while, I thought a post mocking them would be an easy way to add content.

Here we go:

FIRST SPAM:

From: Pauline

MISTAKE #1: If you are trying to trick someone in to thinking this message was from someone they know, pick a common first name. Pauline isn't all that common. As a matter of fact, I don't think in all of my 37 years have I ever met a Pauline.

Subject: Are you ok? william Gatevackes

MISTAKE #2: Through a dunderheaded blunder, I forgot to capitalize the "w" in William when I made my Friendster. However, this has come in handy, because it automatically lets me know that this is just a spammer who copied my name off of Friendster's list.

MISTAKE #3: Outside of the strictest ironical sense, when do you ever refer to your friends by their full name?

MISTAKE #4: That's pretty wonky grammar there, isn't it?

Message: How long i can't see you? Are you ok? And then a link to a website called Adult Date Action.

MISTAKE #5: "How long i can't see you?" How. long. i (not lack of capitalization). can't. see. you. Even robots are smarter than the yabbo that wrote this line. It makes it sound like Pauline is in prison, which she probably is.  

MISTAKE #6:  I think the meant "How have you been?". "Are you ok?" makes me believe that maybe a nuclear power plant exploded in my back yard and I don't know about it.

MISTAKE #7: Not only is there no lead up to the website link, like "Hey, check out my picture of my cat!," they don't even mask the fact that it is for a porn dating site.

SECOND SPAM:

From: Minnie

MISTAKE #1: Minnie is even more uncommon than Pauline

Subject: Hi, william Gatevackes

MISTAKE #2: Simple, yet the small "w" still got them.

Message: hi i was surfing around profiles for guys near me and i stumbled on your profile. im sure you hear this alot but i think you are pretty cute and i was wondering if you'd want to perhaps get to know me a little bit better?  

MISTAKE #3: Decisive lack of capitalization.

MISTAKE #4: I am not cute. You can't even mistake me for cute.

MISTAKE #5: The biggest one of all. You expect me to believe that you have looked all around Friendster, and the thousands of men on it, and you expect me to believe that you think I'm a catch!?! Um...I'M MARRIED!!! IT SAYS SO ON MY PROFILE!!!! WHERE ANY MORON CAN SEE!!!!

My fear that there are morons out their who would fall for this and have an otherwise good marriage broken up because they decided to chase after a fake hoochie.

THIRD SPAM:

From: Sandi

Subject:Holy sh!t...

Message: i've been getting so many visitors from myspace on {ADULT SITE} here, it's unbelivable...I mean I spend 10 hours a day {ADULT SITE} and I damn like it...you better get your ass there too

MISTAKE #1: This one did pretty good up to the message. I know a few Sandy's, and a couple of them might use a subect line so vulgar. But when you. as a spammer, don't know which social messaging sit you are posting your spanm on, really, you don't deserve to be in the spam business. Where's the pride?

MISTAKE #2: And putting the link to the pornsite in twice? Tacky.

FOURTH SPAM:

From: Kami

MISTAKE #1: Unless you are a character in a video game, odds are that you will not know a person named Kami.

Subject: I like your profile.

MISTAKE #2: Flattery will get you nowhere.

Message: you like mine? I bet you like my pics :)..well don't bother with compliments,I get enough already. You can get your ass over [ADULT SITE} at my favorite place to hang out on the internet.  

MISTAKE #3: Bold choice, thinking lonely guys would like to look at pictures of an arrogant asshole, but doesn't really work with me.  

Round sign No SPAM

This blog has been filled with details of my dealings with the MySpace HoTrain. Now, spammers have followed me to another venue.

I have a message boards. They can be accessed through my own, personal website.

And, as message boards go, it isn't much. There was only one topic and only four people posted on it--my wife and three of our friends. Mostly just to mock my welcome message.

Apparently, these four people (five if you count me) are enough to garner the attention of spammers for the fly-by-night drug companies. I don't know how they found me. But they found me.

Each and every day for the last week, I have been receiving about 15-30 new topics posted on the board, all with topic names such as Viagra and Lipitor. Click on one of the topics and there is spam asking you to click a link to buy cheap prescription drugs.

Now, while I do think the pharmacuetical companies grossly over charge for their medications, I know that clicking these links would lead not to cheap prescriptions, but probably to spyware and viruses.

What's more, the whopping four people on the board know this too. And they are less likely to click the links than I am.

See, this is why spammers are stupid. Yes, this is a bargain basement message boards that came free with my website, so there is lax security at best. They think, wow, a venue for us to spam our advertising to all the members of the board! But they don't realize that only five people have ever posted on the board, and only one has posted more than once--me. And the last posting activity was in August 2007. So, basically, posting their drug ads on this board is a great big waste of time.

But everyday there is more and more posts. So everyday I have to go in to the board no one uses, delete all the spam, and block all the IP address in fear that someone might stumble on the site, think I approved the post, and click the link resulting in their computer getting fried.

I wish there was a way to send a reverse virus to them and destroy their systems. That would save me a lot of time each day.

The is an e-mail going around that supposedly spreads a "malware" virus onto your computer. I don't know what the virus does, but if they are hiding it, it can't be up to any good.

So be on the look out if you get an e-mail saying that some one who you may know (they most likely won't use names. They will use something like "your partner") has sent you an e-card from egreetings with a link to test for you to look at it. The link will release the malware into your computer.

And it could be from any company, or no company listed, not just eGreetings. Yesterday, I got an e-mail from a spammer saying "My Father has sent you a card." No company listed.

How did I know it was spam (other than my wife being warned at work about the scam and warning me)? Well, Mr. Spammy Spammer. If my identity and my personal information is so valuable that you want to steal it, my internet browsing so unique you want to take a peek, or you hatred of me so great that you will try to scam me, do your research first and DON'T SEND ME AN E-MAIL SAYING MY FATHER WHO HAS BEEN DEAD FOR 9 YEARS HAS SENT ME AN ELECTRONIC GREETING CARD!!!!!

I am gullible, but I know that there has not been any zombie sightings in the town where my dad is buried, and if they were, my dad was not up on either computers or giving out cards for any reason, let alone no reason.

Oh, and for causing me pain and suffering by sullying the memory of my dead father, Mr. Spammy Spammer? A pox upon you. Whether it be getting a flesh eating bacteria in your groin, simultaneous splinters under all of your finger and toenails at the same time, or being anally raped by a 800-lbs gorilla the next time you visit a zoo, KARMA WILL PAY YOU BACK.